Not sure if it is the rhythmical sound of my feet pounding the pavement as I run or the steady meter of inhaling and exhaling. Life seems to regain its balance and cadence while on a run. Some of my best conversations with my Lord take place with the wind in my face and my muscles tensed and pushed to the limit. Some of my deepest moments have taken place when the winds of life have all but blown me over and my faith strained and pressed to the edge.
I love how simple God made it for us to notice Him. He is in everything as we look around and take notice. All of physical life mimics the spiritual. I see the groaning as life is birthed from the earth fighting through the weeds and overgrowth of dead plants. I sense the lament and struggle of my heart as it fights the flesh and longs to live out Christ likeness. Pushing away the deadened sinful old self, and giving birth to the renewal and transformation of my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.
Renewing of the mind is not an easy process, especially if you have spent years cultivating poor thinking. Praise God that there is freedom and life to be found in Him! The unending process of retraining can be tiring should we try to do this in our own strength. As I seek to retrain my thought patterns and cycles, I find myself more dependant on Him than I have ever been. I am a mess left to myself. This is a work that cannot be accomplished from mere human might. True change can only manifest through the power of the Holy Spirit.
Step family living is a wonderful catalyst to bring about heart and thought change. There is forever a challenge to work out your faith through relating and dealing with the pressures that it can present.
At times, it seems that the call to forgiveness will be unending in this land of Stepville, wounds and strife can dominate your thought life. There are constant interruptions that steal away from your family and marital time. You are often disliked and gossiped about for setting up healthy boundaries. There are threats, manipulations, and sometimes cruelties for setting up protective barriers. Hours can be spent on simply corresponding with the other homes involved.
I came to a point where I cried out to Dave saying “ I can’t do this anymore!” I would never leave or divorce him; I just knew that I couldn’t handle another year of what we had just been through. I didn’t know if I needed to go away for the next few years or what. I was desperate, exhausted, and fed up. There were seemingly no solutions to the issues that we had been facing- multiple, complex issues stemming from both sides. Exasperated, I turned to the only source of Truth, comfort and direction I have consistently had- my God. I was exactly right when I said that I couldn’t do it anymore, I couldn’t! At least not in the way that I was doing it!
As a woman, I seem to want to take on everyone’s pain, everyone’s issues, and walk out their faith for them! Truly, the relational pack horse! Weighed down, carrying a load that I was not created to bear; my thoughts were becoming obsessive about how to fix the situations. My heart was pained as I was constantly faced with the pain of our kids and the mourning of the original families, and I found myself mourning them too for their sake. We are so grateful that God blessed us with each other. It is just difficult, as I have to let go and not take their pain internally and sometimes rejection personally.
It all seems to circle back to finding my security and significance in my Lord alone. If I stabilize and center my life on Him, I can freely walk and love others. There is no dependence on their response. It matters not if they love me in return. I encourage them to love others God has brought into their lives (i.e.: step-siblings, step-parents) without heaping guilt on them or manipulating complete “alliance” to me. I am free and not bound by jealously, bitterness or consumed by fear. I have been made acceptable to God through the work of Jesus Christ. I can rise above the pain and struggle of circumstance and walk boldly, joyfully, and lightly as I send them up in prayer- releasing them back into the arms of the Lord.
The enemy would love for us to focus and get swallowed up in the torment, and harassment, the difficult, and the painful. This renders us too busy and our energy too depleted to live out our calling as believers and followers. It is a daily choice to take every thought captive, and bring our thoughts to meditate on Him and what He calls us to in everything. His Yoke is easy and His burden is light…He came so that we may have life and have it to the full…Let us focus on this as we grasp hold of this day and embrace this road we have been led to. Running away from the past and pain and into full life and joy in Him, we race towards the finish.
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