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Thursday, February 2, 2012

swords, shields and dogs on the couch

Swords drawn, I peered over the top of my cold metal shield.  Ready for battle I postured myself and planted my feet.  Enough was enough.  I dug in my heels not willing to back down, my heart pounding heavily in my chest.  I was furious at the latest insult and disrespect.  I was tired of the endless games.  Tired of feeling like I was not being heard, or cared for in the way I felt I needed.  I was ready to fight for my “rights”.

Pulling the dog onto the chaise with me (a serious no-no in our house), I stiffened my upper lip feeling good in the midst of my open rebellion.

“I thought Lucy wasn’t allowed on the couch?”  Our son curiously asked.

“Yep.  I’m breaking a house rule.  Ask me if I care.”  
I glared over at my husband who had been the main offender that evening.  What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, right?  If everyone else in this so-called family was operating under what they wanted and how they felt…I might as well too.  Wow, what a Christ-like example!

I sat there fuming during the family meeting.  Poisonous self-talk began flooding my heart and mind.  Family, what family?  I recalled the photo collages I hung in the hallway of our home… I nearly gagged at the deception of the picture of one big happy family.  Big, yes…happy?  Some people were …I was not, and hadn’t been for some time.  I felt as though I had been screaming at the top of my lungs and nothing was really getting better… I was bitter.  Oh that tiny root that so easily springs up before we know it.  I felt as though my husband was deaf to my cries.  He was not coming through for me.  I was angry and tired as I ran over the multiple offenses, painful and damaging that went undealt with.

Blatantly disrespecting my husband in front of the children, I huffed, I sighed, and shoot- I even rolled my eyes like a 13 year old.  I’m ashamed to say and admit it out loud, but I did it.  I am all about being honest and being known so here it is, like it is.  I share this, because it’s real…and maybe you haven’t been this out with it- but come on, be honest- flesh is flesh…and we ALL have to deal with it!

I could give a zillion reasons why I had “rights” to do this… wow, that sounds like a mature believing woman doesn’t it?   My stomach churns at the very thought of my behavior as I recall it.

A call for JUSTICE!  How unfair!  How wrong!  Was some of what I’ve endured unjust and wrong, even sinful?  Absolutely.  My heart was completely wrong and un-Christ like.

So to describe a day in the life of a Smom/wife that is fed up and feeding on her flesh instead of Christ… one word… UGLY.  There was no sweetness of spirit here.  No kind, loving words given.  Truth perhaps, but most certainly not told in love.  And the motivation was not other centered…It was all on my favorite person in that moment. Me…me…me!

After another sharp comment uttered under my breath my husband (who was fumingly angry with me) turned his head and glared into my eyes.  It was nearly more than I could bear seeing how there was a lot of pent up hurt behind my anger.  I sat there nearly stunned as he gave me permission to give voice to all of my frustrations that had come to a festering boil over the last two years.

Funny, at first I really didn’t know what to say.  I honestly couldn’t think of where to begin.  The offenses were many and the time was short- I knew they couldn’t listen all night as I rallied over the last two years of insults I had saved in my file of wrongs committed. 

I thought of the countless Stepmoms out there that would give their most favorite appendage to have such an opportunity.  I wanted to scream, throw things, swear, spit nails (wouldn’t that be a cool ability?).  I wanted to stand up for the millions of stepmothers everywhere who had gotten a bad rap, the short end of the stick, been repeatedly kicked like an unwanted dog, used as the scapegoat...TAWANDA!!!!! 
I wanted to be heard.  I wanted the war to end.  I want my husband to claim unity for us and fight for his wife…  I longed for my knight.  I longed to be publicly crowned queen in this castle, forsaking all others. 
I had done my homework on God’s framework for family. 
1- God
2- Husband
3- Wife
4- Children
5- the Outsiders/outside ministry


God is a God of balance.   He orders and creates order.  When this is out of place, life gets out of place.  People are hurt, children run amuck, and sin is committed.

The statistics are alarmingly high for divorce in second marriages with children involved.  Why?
A.    God hates divorce (that’s another blog as to why and how much I see now exactly why!)
B.    Family framework as God designed it gets messed up. 

In most cases a spouse left, either all together or they separated, leaving the other holding the pieces of the family together.  The children often are elevated to be the center of the home, or into the spouses’ former position.  OR perhaps they were always at the center of the home, instead of God… which may very well be why the spouse left in the first place.

Sadly, the scripture does not talk about where the other parents are in the hierarchy of the home… when the bond is severed- where do they go?  Other than under your skin like an infectious itchy disease that wont go away?

They are not in our home, so I see them as outsiders/outside ministry.  Still part of the framework…but NOT inside the FRAME!! 

So I spewed.  I honestly can’t remember what I said exactly, just that I knew I felt better once it was out.  They all responded well, except for my husband. 

We ended up staying up until 2am working it out and apologizing to one another…can’t say that I felt much better by the end, but it’s scriptural, and I wasn’t fuming and neither was he.
I prayed throughout the next day.  I was seriously convicted.  So I decided that I would fix his favorite dinner and make my Public service announcement.  
His biggest issue was that I was disrespectful in front of the children.  I heard him…men need respect like they need air (think that’s a John Eldredge thing).  I get it, just like I need love and to be fought for.
My issues are long and complex in what my offenses have been and continue to be, but that isn’t what is important here.  At the end of the day, I will not be held accountable for anyone but me.  There will be no excuses for my sin.   I will have to give an account…alone.

“I need to say something about last night.”  I swallowed hard and took a deep breath.  I was surprised at my nerves.  I nearly made something else up just to avoid eating crow.  I was truly repentant.  I sinned in public- God showed me I needed to repent in public.

“ I need to apologize to dad in front of all of you.  I was grossly disrespectful to him.  I sinned against God because He has called me to respect and submit to my husband.  I sinned against dad because I did not love him well.  I sinned against you by not being a good example in teaching respect toward dad.”

They all responded pretty well, verbalizing forgiveness and asking more questions.
Dave then decided he would return the apologies. 
It gave us the opportunity to give the kids a vision of working through issues without leaving.  I pray that years from now they will remember that night.  Not because of the Hiroshima (what we now call a big blow up in our house).  But because we worked together to bring peace and unity to our family… Crowning God as King of our castle!