Love...Agape style in Stepville

"Love- the Agape kind that desires another's highest good-doesn't whitewash sin or allow wrong behavior to continue without confrontation... A healthy relationship is one that is open. Things aren't buried, covered up, ignored, or denied, because when they are decay sets in-putrefaction." -Kay Arthur, Bible scholar.

Agape Love.  All-inclusive is God’s grand love of us.  Sacrificing for those who hated Him, loving them regardless of how they felt toward Him.  Giving His very life even unto death for the ignorant, the ungrateful, the ones who would continually betray Him and spit on Him and His ways…I am one of those.  I look back and see the hypocrisy that I have delivered in my life.  Posing the outer appearance of what I thought people wanted me to be, and ever falling short of what God called me to be.  I praise Him both for His goodness and His grace in how He loves me so unconditionally.

Agape love- Perfectly demonstrated, not perfectly or easily mimicked.  Stepville offers yet another opportunity to exercise the muscle of Agape love- or loving, as God loves.  Sometimes the pain from stretching that muscle just about knocks me out completely.  The stresses, the trials, the hurts, it all constantly brings me to my knees and forces me to continually ask my Lord- “how do I love like you in this situation?”  I know that I can never accomplish His love in my own strength.  There is just too much pain involved and my flesh rears it’s ugly head causing me to feel the desire to run away, not love and draw closer.

Agape Love.  My longing to have a whole family again places that innate desire to gain acceptance and love from the newer members of the family above boundaries and logic.  Acceptance, love and relationship can never be forced, coerced, or bought.  It is also increasingly difficult to have the difficulties of ex relations and maneuvering healthy boundaries with unhealthy people.

 I have both sides of the situation.  I am a stepmother, and my ex is remarried, so my children have a stepmother.  She is not my choice.  She is not a believer as far as I can see.  But she isn’t a bad person either.  My children have done O.K. with accepting her.  I try very hard to stay an encouraging force for them to adapt to what is.  If they are comfortable with calling her mom or referring to her as one of their parents, I want to support where they are.  I realize that my standing as their bio-mom never changes.  I do not fear them loving her “more” than myself.  Through many trials I have learned who I am in Christ and that my security and significance is solely derived from Him alone.  I imagine if God hadn’t already been dealing with that priority and truth in my life, I would deeply struggle with feelings of betrayal and insecurity- dependant on my children’s so-called “devotion”.

This enables them to not have to deal with loyalty issues on top of their already painful and difficult situations that they are processing through.  I pray that this helps the other home stay in peace. 

Encouraging our children to “play nice” with the “new kids” (new step-parent, or step-siblings) is crucial for THEM.  Do I like the fact that I am not their ONLY mom?  No.  It is difficult to accept that there is someone else pouring into his or her lives, and I have no say as to what she is adding.  Particularly if the new step’s life is not centered on Christ.  For me, there is no life apart from Him.  Not that she cannot impart some good things into their lives, she can and does.  It just isn’t what I always agree with.

Agape Love.  Loving someone more than you love your own comfort.  Wanting what is best for someone else over you.  Honestly, I hate the fact that there is another woman that I have to share my children with.  Holidays, Birthdays, weddings, birthdays, all shared with a relative that I didn’t pick, didn’t want, and frankly is irritating me.  But for the kids- so they can still have a shot at being healthy people we have to be as neutral as possible.  No guilt trips for relating well with that other person.  No guilt trips for time spent with the other parent or enjoying time with the new stepparent.  This helps them in their pain and encourages their healing.  Even though it is, at times very uncomfortable for me.

Loving even when the battle rages on.  In recent weeks, Dave and I have spent hours returning emails and maintaining communication with our exes.  This takes from our home and family time, and quite frankly is draining for all involved.  Hurtful comments, and arguments over money, along with manipulative tactics can overwhelm and take over the home.  It is difficult to relate with people who have hurt you so deeply.  I must admit that this is an area where I do not love well, even though I really do try.  I try on a daily basis to see where they are coming from and how this all affects them.  I did not choose them, and they did not choose me.  But here we are in a jumbled mess that no one is certain how to navigate.  Professional counselors, supportive friends, and fellow stepparents are crucial.  Relationship and constant conversation with God and your spouse is imperative

Love- true love is becoming as Christ did in Gethsemane.  Most often it plays out like a continual prayer of “Not my will, but your will Lord.”  It seems like a constant pleading for the Holy Spirit to remain alive in me so that I may win my family over without words.

To love as Christ, is an impossible task in my own strength.  My own wounds, my flesh, my ideas all get in the way but there’s an app for that! (Love my new Iphone!) Not by power, not by might, but by my Spirit says the Lord!  Through Him we can do ALL things!  We can love freely without fear.  Our God can enable us to love and hold out an example of love without allowing those who are unhealthy overstep boundaries. 

Love is choosing.  Choosing when to lay down our lives.  Choosing when it is abusive and when it is sacrifice.  Sometimes it may look dysfunctional to the outsider; when it is merely choosing to lay down one’s life for another.  I think of the scene in “The passion of the Christ” where Jesus is collapsed exhausted and bleeding after having been beaten while he is chained to the post.  He looks over toward Mary His mother, John, and Mary Magdalene.  You can see it in His eyes as He CHOOSES to allow the abuse and beating continue- out of the recognition that He has to go through with the Father’s will in order to save them…and us.  This is NOT powerless victimization, but rather a Holy strength and will to do the impossible for the helpless and hopeless.

We cannot pretend to be Christ, but His Holy Spirit does reside in those of us who have crowned Him as Lord.  We house the same Spirit that raised Him from the grave; we also have the same Spirit that gave Him the strength to choose His Father’s will and not His own- for OUR benefit.

What an example!  What courage!

In the days that I feel too weak to love well, I push deeper into my Lord.  He is always a constant refuge, a steady Savior who never quits calling me deeper, and He quiets my soul and pries away my flesh.  He shows me once again his mercy, His grace, and reminds me again of all that He has loved me through.  And He calls me to love this family through all of what we are walking through, in His strength.  Speaking His truth, in love.