Lesser Things… Philippians 3:8(MSG)
Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant - dog dung. I've dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ
There have been days when I have seriously wondered if the tears would ever stop or the sorrow cease. Staring into the twisted green branches being tossed about by the wind I deeply enjoyed the dance of the willow tree in the bright spring sunshine. Soft green grass provided a cushiony bed for me to rest upon as the dog settled herself against my side.
I had meandered out to the backyard to plot out Loryn’s memory garden. The patio resting underneath the willow would make the perfect place to write, drink coffee or visit with a friend. Flowers would be plentiful, most suitable for cutting. I had planned to make stepping-stones with scriptures that are speaking to me throughout this journey to be placed as a reminder of the beauty being formed out of the muck and mire.
The tender flowers would remind me of the hope I have, in having found Life in Christ. Not in the things of this world, but in His. Hope eternal, Hope everlasting… Hope that never dies, anticipating His return and righting of everything wrong, everything broken, hope of His person in person
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Hope… what is hope exactly?
According to Webster, Hope means to cherish a desire with anticipation.
In examining my heart I have to ask myself some difficult questions. First, what is it that I am cherishing with anticipation?
In these past months I have “cherished” having a baby… I must go then to asking.
Should I CHERISH anything other than God, His presence in my life? His will for my life?
Perhaps for some it is ok to cherish things other than Him, however for me, I can hold things and people dear, I can love… but cherish?
God is a jealous God. He asks to be the ONLY God of my life, my first love.
Honestly, my thought life has been consumed with preparing for the baby, loving the baby, all things baby… Where did my focus shift?
Instead of spending the majority of my time on studying scripture or lifting others in prayers to Him, I became more focused on studying pinterest for the latest baby ideas or recipes.
Anything I spend more time reflecting or working on above knowing, loving and serving God is an idol. Ouch, a difficult realization to come to.
It would be different if I were bringing God into the moment. Not that I didn’t do this, I just see that wanted my way more than I wanted His. I wanted this baby more than I wanted whatever He was going to allow to sift through His hands and into my life.
I’m sorry this is ugly truth to read, and some of you may think less of me after this, however, it is of more importance to bring truth in struggling closer to God than to make everyone feel comfortable. I think we all have a tendency to want our will above His to some degree- or at least have moments of frustration when things don’t go according to our plan or we don’t receive the desired outcome… right? Haven’t you ever sat and pouted angrily when life throws you a curve? Be honest with yourself… and God- it’s not like He doesn’t already know! If you’re feeling defensive- ask yourself why?
In this journey, I believe God is asking me to examine where I spend my time, how I spend my thoughts, what do I give my energy to? Is He in first place? Am I embracing Him above ALL else?
In recent days I have found that the more time I spend Embracing Him, I have peace in the midst of pain, I have strength in the midst of struggle, and Hope that exists above happy circumstances.
Philippians 3:8(MSG)
Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant - dog dung. I've dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ
Becky.....if anyone thinks less of you for this honest post, I would be shocked. Part of becoming one with Christ is recognizing our own faults and navigating these bumps in the journey. To be able to be so open with your thoughts is no different than confessing to the Lord that you are recognizing that you are not perfect and that he alone is a perfect Master. He is using you as a conduit to minister to those of us that also need to recognize that we need to put God and God alone as first in our life. I for one am thankful to have the privilege of having met you and being able to read these words. Remember, we are not perfect beings and we all have our faults. I will continue to pray for you and your family as you continue this journey and as your remember your precious Loryn.
ReplyDeleteI believe God eternally asks us the same two questions: 1) Who do you love? 2) Who do you trust?
ReplyDeleteWhile I don't believe that God has a "blueprint" plan for our lives, that He micro-controls every twist and turn, I firmly believe He is always right there, loving us, embracing us, and asking us those questions no matter what happens in our lives.
Your joy and love for Loryn were very real. Your pain at the loss is also very real. You are beginning to process well the thoughts from God about what He wants to teach you. It is humbling to know that He is that actively interested in us as individuals.
Know that you and Dave were prayed for this morning as I read this.