Fences, Hedges, and Other Boundaries

I could hear the buzz of the cell phone from within my husband’s coat pocket.  Headed on the passenger train to newly wedded bliss we were entering the heart of Chicago-land. 

“Who is it?”  I asked curiously.

With a soft kiss he said, “I don’t know, I’m not answering it right now- we’re on our honeymoon.  This is you and me time.” 

I smiled reveling at the thought of how he valued us.

Within two minutes the phone was buzzing again.

Dismayed I sighed, “Apparently, someone wants to get ahold of you. You’d better check to see if it is one of the kids.”

With a grunt, he pulled out his iPhone and checked the number. 

The look on his face said it all.  It was the ex-wife.

“ Gaahhh!  What on earth could she want?  I’m not calling her.  For cryin’ out loud!  I’m on my honeymoon.”

She knew we were on our honeymoon.

Placing the phone up to his ear trying to listen to the voicemail, he plugged the other to block out the noisy train.  I watched his facial expressions intently as to try and decipher what the urgent message was.

“So…?”  I asked inquisitively.

“So…she’s ticked I didn’t pick up the phone.  Only said she needed to discuss something urgent regarding our son.” Angrily, he looked out the window and shook his head.

“You’d better call her back or she’ll just keep calling all weekend.”  My heart shuddered at the thought.

We departed the train and headed for the great hall.  Beautiful in all of its grandeur, we weren’t given more than a moment to enjoy it before his phone buzzed again.  We settled our luggage on one of the famous wooden bench pews.  I kicked up my feet on my overnighter and watched on as my hubby pulled out his cell to see what the grand emergency was.  There was no emergency.

 

I spent the next 15 minutes in the middle of the famous Union Station sitting on a cold wooden bench while my husband hashed things out with his ex-wife.  She wouldn’t tell him why she called because he didn’t pick up her call right away.  In tears I waited for him to come back to me.  It was only the beginning of a long road that stretched out ahead for us… for me. 

To this day we still do not know what it was that she so desperately needed to converse with my sweet husband about.

I knew that it was just a reminder to him that she still existed.  She wanted to see if she could still control him as she had in the past, she wanted to see if he would still be at her beckon call.  Even though she was the cheater- it killed her to think that he could be happy with someone else and was moving on, leaving her behind. 

I’ve spent countless hours in conversation with other women who have been and are still dealing with the same issues.  The rings go on and the gloves come off.  Doesn’t matter who cheated on who, who filed and who didn’t, the battle is the same.  And it can be brutal to the new marriage if good strong boundaries aren’t set right away.

Endless texts, phone calls, and requests to come help with things around the house were put to a halt. The pouting cries of  “I just want to be able to discuss how I feel about what is going on with the kids with you.”  Were screamed repeatedly, pounded into the skids, making us look like we were wrong for setting boundaries. 

We even were confronted by one of the kids for DH (dear husband) not going over to their mother’s house to help with maintenance and computer issues.  She had inappropriately shared her frustrations with the kids, making us look like the bad guys.  This led to discussion, processing, and difficulty explaining healthy boundaries within divorce… too much for a teenager to handle, but another had opened the door and it needed to be closed and then covered that it was not something they needed to concern themselves with.

We actively sought out counsel in this situation.  We were repeatedly encouraged to throw out the stepfamily books and make this life our own, prayerfully considering everything. 

Communication about the facts in a situation is one thing, emotions and processing is another.  The problem is, that it is inappropriate to emote with anyone of the opposite sex on a one to one level without inclusion of the spouse.  This is dangerous to a marriage, and the union must be protected at all costs. 

Each situation is unique to how to build the boundaries.  These are some of the hedges of protection we set up.

We set up an email account accessible to both of us to correspond with the ex’s.  We each would construct the communication, but brought the other in for ideas and suggestions as neutral parties.  At times, things have gotten so heated we’ve had the need for the other to respond completely- this has helped put out a lot of fires.  Funny, when his ex realizes it’s me that is communicating- she loses interest right away and the games stop. 

This was a crucial step for several reasons.  Our ex-spouses needed to realize that my husband and I are one flesh all is shared between us.  Also, the fact that we both had marriages that ended due to the spouse’s infidelity, we saw the need to protect our marriage.  They had no respect for marriage previously, why would they respect our marriage? 

We were dead on when it came to the disregarding of our union.  From a slipped handwritten note, inappropriate relating and comments, we have seen the battle in full force. 

At first, just as the counselor had warned us, they really had a lot of tantrums over the communication- or they would say, “lack thereof”.  The boundaries are intact, and it seems as though they have come to respect our need for space and minimal communication.  Our children are all in the mid to late teens and there really is no need for excessive banter at this point.  They are capable of managing schedules and our house is our house- the other house we have little to do with.

No face-to-face time, texts or phone calls…

There is no texting or phone calls unless someone is bleeding and they're en route to the hospital.  Our phones are private, only for use between us.  The beauty of taking the phones out of the equation is that there is no room for the he said / she said game.  No space for misunderstanding, what is written, is there in black and white.  This offers full accountability.  On more than one occasion this has helped us in repeating situations that they would prefer to warp.  It aids legally when they agree to certain things and then don’t stick with the agreement.  It also helps eliminate the feeling of “another woman or another man”.

Our home is our home…

They are not welcome to enter our home without our permission.  I know that sounds somewhat like a no-brainer.  It wasn’t in the early days.  Previously, they both would come to the door to collect our teenage children and their luggage.  This led to some of the inappropriate communication and interludes.  In one instance, his ex took paper off my desk to slip a note to DSD (dear step-daughter) while we were not there.  She came into my house without me there.  I was constantly feeling invaded.  Going into the ex’s house only gave opportunity for the ex to corner my husband and try to control him… he was pretty blind toward the manipulation until more recently.  Exes have no rights in our home…no more than if our children were staying the night in a friends house.  The only right they have is to know that the home is safe and the children’s needs are being met.  This does not take an inside tour to see.

It was crucial that my husband and I have OUR space.  A place that is NOT shared with our ex spouses whenever they seem to want to invade.

This has not been an easy road.  It has not been easy to lay down the boundary lines that we have, but with prayer and God’s vision for our family, we have made it.  It has made all of the difference in the world.