Tears mixed with hair conditioner fell in a steady stream and collected on the floor of the shower. On my hands and knees, I found myself in the most desperate of places. Drifting somewhere between anger and feeling abandoned, I cried out to God. As I kneeled there I questioned how many other women have been in this very same position, sobbing uncontrollably, hoping the sound of the showerhead would muffle the resonance of utter despair.
Grieving seems like a natural part of stepfamily living. It offers us a front row seat in the audience of brokenness. Broken marriages, broken families, broken kids, broken homes, broke finances, and broken relating. It plays out before us in Oscar award winning fashion as the stage consumes all of us as its players. So I find myself repeatedly grieving all that is, all that we all have lost, and yes, sometimes it’s done under a steamy current of water and body wash. Try as I might the warm water doesn’t wash away the issues or cleanse me from the sadness of broken relating, or broken issues.
I grieve white lace and promises, coming to the realization that living on love simply would never be enough in this land of Stepville. I know it’s silly, it’s not like I had completely allowed myself to live under the illusion that would be the case. Still, the romantic (and sinful) woman in me longs to believe that our love would be strong enough to weather any storm on it’s own (ultimately that is a statement that cries- that we wouldn’t need God’s help-youch). I know that after what we have weathered in the last year, if it weren’t for God Himself, we would’ve thrown in the towel and walked away from it all. I can say that now I fully understand the importance of having God at the center and as the foundation of your marriage. Reality is, our love for God has to be the strength and provision to weather any storm. His arms must be the arms that bind us together in the midst of the weather.
Still, I rebel against my need for Creator God. Silly, I thought I had completely resolved the fact that I need Him in ALL THINGS. As I honestly face myself in the steamy shower I come to realization that in this area I am resisting the fact that I need Him. I am SUPER MOM/ SUPER STEP MOM…I leap car pools in a single bound, whip up dinner for 12 on 2 lbs of hamburger, and tend to the needs of all those around me, I am stellar at good ideas and organizing picking up and dropping off, parties, senior pictures and do magic on a limited budget! For crying out loud! Why can’t I fix people who don’t like me, don’t want me here, work against me? How is it that I can’t make the blind to manipulation see? Cause the lame in relating, to walk? …Sounds like super girl has her cape in a bunch and it’s going to hang her if she doesn’t get down on her knees! Sounds like someone got a little big for her britches and “Charlie” is calling His “Angel” to remember who is in charge! There is NO master plan without THE MASTER!
I lean my head against the shower stall and I continue with the sobs, and beginning to feel sorry for myself, grieving the loss and lack of the bonds of blood and the bonds of love. Blood thicker than water? Oil and water separate no matter how hard you try to mix them together. Blended family? Really? We use the word “blended”? I did find some peace in reading the other day that even though a biological bond and original familial intimacy will never be possible with my stepchildren; God can create a love bond and intimacy through Him. Completely missing that God has been busy doing just that I sigh a heavy sigh wondering if it could really happen. Learning and leaning the midst of all of that process is tricky and difficult. I pray, “Dear God, please throw me a flipping bone!!...I wait…silence…I cry… silence…then it comes without warning, the memory of just two days earlier…
The taillights illuminated the freeway and the steady bass beat pulsated the Bose speakers, I cranked the volume a little higher until I felt my legs vibrating and grinned at my stepson. “We may as well enjoy the Bose speakers while we have them.” We drove onward toward home just he and I. He had been my companion for the weekend. We laughed, shared, and made memories. He even stood on his chair as I was introduced during a worship service that I was singing at, clapping and cheering- I sensed that he actually was proud to know me!
He reached over and turned the volume down. “You’re a really great step mom, and I am really glad that you are in my life.” My heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest, much like it felt when his dad asked me if he could see me exclusively. He may never know how much I longed to hear that, how much I needed that, or what it meant to hear it on that night, and know that he meant it. He may never know how I thought of what he said as I wept on the floor of the shower questioning if I had the strength to carry on.
A God sized love bond created.
I sigh and turn the water off, wiping my face, unsure if it’s water or tears. I repent realizing my childish behavior and rebellion. And hear a gentle- “That’s enough now”
I come to the decision as I clean the drain of unruly hair that when I succumb to shower sobbing and hair condition crying I would limit myself to the point of prune-like skin, quit, take a deep breath and walk on, leaving the despair in the shower and devising a godly plan by the time I am dry.
It isn’t easy spotting the “bones” in Stepville. I am by nature; I’m going to put this in a more flattering term, a melancholy realist (okay, I just tend to focus on the more negative side of things!). But God does give us gifts along the way. Most of the time I am so wrapped up in where I have been wronged that I miss the fact that God just isn’t necessarily working in that particular area! He is ALWAYS working! He only rests on the seventh day, right? The day of completion? He will not rest until we are restored! In the meantime, we are called to seek out and look for the blessings no matter how small. Whether it is a kind look, respectful attitude, a chore well done, or a teeny compliment. These are the bones that He throws us so we can hear Him say “Hey- I’m still here…and I got this.”
Philipians 1:6
I’m convinced that God, who began a good work in you, will carry it through to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
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