Shampoo Sobs and Showers of Blessing

Tears mixed with hair conditioner fell in a steady stream and collected on the floor of the shower.  On my hands and knees, I found myself in the most desperate of places.  Drifting somewhere between anger and feeling abandoned, I cried out to God.  As I kneeled there I questioned how many other women have been in this very same position, sobbing uncontrollably, hoping the sound of the showerhead would muffle the resonance of utter despair.

Grieving seems like a natural part of stepfamily living.  It offers us a front row seat in the audience of brokenness.  Broken marriages, broken families, broken kids, broken homes, broke finances, and broken relating.  It plays out before us in Oscar award winning fashion as the stage consumes all of us as its players.  So I find myself repeatedly grieving all that is, all that we all have lost, and yes, sometimes it’s done under a steamy current of water and body wash.  Try as I might the warm water doesn’t wash away the issues or cleanse me from the sadness of broken relating, or broken issues.

I grieve white lace and promises, coming to the realization that living on love simply would never be enough in this land of Stepville.  I know it’s silly, it’s not like I had completely allowed myself to live under the illusion that would be the case.  Still, the romantic (and sinful) woman in me longs to believe that our love would be strong enough to weather any storm on it’s own (ultimately that is a statement that cries- that we wouldn’t need God’s help-youch).    I know that after what we have weathered in the last year, if it weren’t for God Himself, we would’ve thrown in the towel and walked away from it all.  I can say that now I fully understand the importance of having God at the center and as the foundation of your marriage.  Reality is, our love for God has to be the strength and provision to weather any storm.  His arms must be the arms that bind us together in the midst of the weather.

Still, I rebel against my need for Creator God.  Silly, I thought I had completely resolved the fact that I need Him in ALL THINGS.  As I honestly face myself in the steamy shower I come to realization that in this area I am resisting the fact that I need Him.  I am SUPER MOM/ SUPER STEP MOM…I leap car pools in a single bound, whip up dinner for 12 on 2 lbs of hamburger, and tend to the needs of all those around me, I am stellar at good ideas and organizing picking up and dropping off, parties, senior pictures and do magic on a limited budget!  For crying out loud!  Why can’t I fix people who don’t like me, don’t want me here, work against me?  How is it that I can’t make the blind to manipulation see?  Cause the lame in relating, to walk?  …Sounds like super girl has her cape in a bunch and it’s going to hang her if she doesn’t get down on her knees!  Sounds like someone got a little big for her britches and “Charlie” is calling His “Angel” to remember who is in charge!  There is NO master plan without THE MASTER!

I lean my head against the shower stall and I continue with the sobs, and beginning to feel sorry for myself, grieving the loss and lack of the bonds of blood and the bonds of love.  Blood thicker than water?  Oil and water separate no matter how hard you try to mix them together. Blended family?  Really? We use the word “blended”? I did find some peace in reading the other day that even though a biological bond and original familial intimacy will never be possible with my stepchildren; God can create a love bond and intimacy through Him.  Completely missing that God has been busy doing just that I sigh a heavy sigh wondering if it could really happen.  Learning and leaning the midst of all of that process is tricky and difficult.  I pray, “Dear God, please throw me a flipping bone!!...I wait…silence…I cry… silence…then it comes without warning, the memory of just two days earlier…

The taillights illuminated the freeway and the steady bass beat pulsated the Bose speakers, I cranked the volume a little higher until I felt my legs vibrating and grinned at my stepson.  “We may as well enjoy the Bose speakers while we have them.”  We drove onward toward home just he and I.  He had been my companion for the weekend.  We laughed, shared, and made memories. He even stood on his chair as I was introduced during a worship service that I was singing at, clapping and cheering- I sensed that he actually was proud to know me!

He reached over and turned the volume down.  “You’re a really great step mom, and I am really glad that you are in my life.”  My heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest, much like it felt when his dad asked me if he could see me exclusively.  He may never know how much I longed to hear that, how much I needed that, or what it meant to hear it on that night, and know that he meant it.  He may never know how I thought of what he said as I wept on the floor of the shower questioning if I had the strength to carry on. 

A God sized love bond created.

 I sigh and turn the water off, wiping my face, unsure if it’s water or tears.  I repent realizing my childish behavior and rebellion. And hear a gentle- “That’s enough now”

I come to the decision as I clean the drain of unruly hair that when I succumb to shower sobbing and hair condition crying I would limit myself to the point of prune-like skin, quit, take a deep breath and walk on, leaving the despair in the shower and devising a godly plan by the time I am dry. 

 It isn’t easy spotting the “bones” in Stepville.  I am by nature; I’m going to put this in a more flattering term, a melancholy realist (okay, I just tend to focus on the more negative side of things!).  But God does give us gifts along the way.  Most of the time I am so wrapped up in where I have been wronged that I miss the fact that God just isn’t necessarily working in that particular area!  He is ALWAYS working!  He only rests on the seventh day, right?  The day of completion?  He will not rest until we are restored!  In the meantime, we are called to seek out and look for the blessings no matter how small.  Whether it is a kind look, respectful attitude, a chore well done, or a teeny compliment.  These are the bones that He throws us so we can hear Him say “Hey- I’m still here…and I got this.” 

Philipians 1:6

I’m convinced that God, who began a good work in you, will carry it through to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. 

Strengthening the love and trust muscles...

“It’s a thankless job, Beck.  You give your heart out, and the biological mom gets all of the kudos.”  She popped another red raspberry in her mouth and took a sip of her wine.  My heart aligned in saddened agreement, and I shoved another piece of dark chocolate into my mouth like an Ibuprofen.

As our conversation continued, I came to the realization that no matter where you are in life, profession, stage, number of kids, experience, there is a struggle when you choose to enter into the land of Stepville.

“They had never learned how to study, I taught them.  I taught her how to ride her bike, tie her shoes, wash her hair…and she gives her biological mom all of the credit.”  Tears filling her eyes, I knew how she felt.  Recalling a sunny afternoon nearly throwing my back out trying to teach my stepdaughter how to complete a round off to encourage her tumbling skills for cheerleading.

It is like pouring water into a well that can never be filled completely, then having them thank someone who never lifted the bucket to fill it…or they spit the water back at you and chide you for ever trying to fill it in the first place.

My heart sunk in the reality of it.  You can love your stepchildren, give your heart out, put your heart out, but in the end the reality is that they will never deeply love you or want you there. Their longing will always be for their original family, and for you to be out of the picture.  It isn’t anything personal; you just aren’t the person they long for to be in that position.  So instead of being angry and rude to the ones that caused the situation. Avoiding putting the responsibility of the damage and pain on the catalyst or catalysts who placed them in the position of having a stepfamily, they throw it all on the newcomer. 

I felt as though I was receiving all of the anger, frustration, and fury of children scorned in the divorce.  I felt like the dog that was easy to kick.  From critiques on my cooking, disapproval on my housekeeping, and constantly being compared to their biological mom, to downright cruelty- I have lived it.  I have felt like a stranger and an outsider in my own home.  Living in fear of doing anything that may cause upset, or discomfort, I began to shrink into a shell of quiet protection…and I started to become angry myself, resentment and bitterness began to creep in.  I had unconsciously set in motion my own death.  Longing and living to make these children happy, caving into their desires, giving them the excuses of their pain and what they had been through to feed the behavior.  I proceeded to cautiously walk on eggshells, to the point of not wanting to sit down and play the piano and sing for fear that they would either make fun of me, be annoyed, or complain. 

The truth is, it wouldn’t matter if I were a Grammy winning singer/songwriter, a master chef, or could fly like peter pan, I would never measure up.  I am not their biological mom.

I have watched the most godly, Christ-centered women struggle through this mess in Stepville.  We didn’t birth these children, but as Christ centered women, we know that we are called to love them well, and nurture them.  They have come under our covering, living in our “nest”.  Deep in our hearts, we know that we cannot be biological mother, yet we long to mother and nurture them as if we were. 

I have lain awake sobbing many nights grieving the fact that, once again, I live in a house where someone doesn’t want me there.  This strikes an old wound, the wound of rejection.

Learning to accept that this is the way it will always be is the hard part.  Learning to accept the things we cannot change and change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference (Thank you St. Fran) is still something that my tendency toward perfectionism wrestles out daily.  Being made in the image of a perfect God we long for that perfection, only to have it elude us time and time again.  Perfection is only found in His character and sovereignty this side of heaven.  Everything…everything else is broken.

I find that deep in my heart I still have that longing to have a whole family, restored.  An original family, no ex-in-laws, no yours and mine...just us.  Reality is, we are a broken home.  We live under a roof of people who are broken both by their own choices and the choices of others. 

Sounds hopeless.  Again, it’s not.  Continually, we most hold to the truth that our God’s character and drive is about redemption, and restoration.  As we read through the scriptures, we see that every character has that same story.  Broken life, God steps in, quietly pursues, our acceptance of the pursuit, redemption, restoration, refining, restoration, calling, blessing, refinement, restoration…  He is constantly refining and restoring us.  Stepville is just another tool that He uses for refinement.

So…what to do when you live this day in and day out?  How do you survive?  I don’t have the answers…but we know The Answer.  As in any other situation, we turn to our God and cling.  We cry out to Him, whine to him (only 5 minutes allowed!), we wait… we listen.  Diving into His word, and His character we find how he is calling us to live in this moment. 

We live for Him, not for anyone else.  We live to please Him, and do things that are pleasing to Him.  Sometimes this looks like laying down your life, sometimes it is permeable wall where love can flow out, but daggers cannot come through.  He is the ultimate guide. He longs to walk with us through this.  He relishes the opportunity to navigate with us, and even carry us through the dark, murky, muddy spots.

We lean into our trust muscle, as we look to Him in all things, good and difficult.  We trust Him to keep us, heal us, grow us, and give us His peace in the process in a recurrent manner. We can trust Him even in this to work all things together for our good and His glory.

'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,

            and to take him at his word;

            just to rest upon his promise,

            and to know, "Thus saith the Lord."

Refrain:

            Jesus, Jesus, how I trust him!

            How I've proved him o'er and o'er!

            Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!

            O for grace to trust him more!

2.            O how sweet to trust in Jesus,

            just to trust his cleansing blood;

            and in simple faith to plunge me

            neath the healing, cleansing flood! 

3.            Yes, 'tis sweet to trust in Jesus,

            just from sin and self to cease;

            just from Jesus simply taking

            life and rest, and joy and peace.

4.            I'm so glad I learned to trust thee,

            precious Jesus, Savior, friend;

            and I know that thou art with me,

            wilt be with me to the end.

           

As we learn to trust Him in our circumstances, in our joys, our pains, as we become skilled at relying on that trust and leaning into God’s sovereignty over all, we find strength and a contentment we cant find anywhere else. 

In His strength, in His wisdom, Walking with Him through this land of Stepville, we find the ability to take it one day at a time.