I shifted somewhat uncomfortably in my seat, as I had been asking myself the same question for the last 12 months. I had been staring myself in the mirror asking, "Why on earth didn't we wait?! We would've never had all of the heartache, the hurt feelings, the backstabbing, damage. I had been through enough difficulty for a lifetime...why did I walk into a situation where there was a deadly storm already brewing?" It wasn't like I hadn't been repeatedly warned. The issues of difficult relating, and dealing with ex-spouses had thrown my blind trust in God's direction for us to marry into a tailspin.
What I wanted to say was that this has been no picnic for me either.
They were such a mess when I came on the scene, we were all a mess. Their relating was disastrous, and dysfunctional, at best. I observed hurting, damaged people in scattered pieces due to divorce and years of painful functioning. Anger, pain, and torment both in the children and in the man who would become my husband.
We, on the other hand were just walking away from a bomb blowing up our family. There was little warning to the kids. They did not see the years of neglect and abandonment in the marriage. The countless texts and cell phone calls between their father and his "friends". One day we were a complete family who attended church, dad worked a lot, but by all appearances, we were together. The next day an explosion occurred that ripped apart the framework of their stability...their family. Shell shocked and spinning still from the pain, my children stumbled around questioning everything from where they were going to live now, to their faith in the existence of a God who loved them.
I listened as this teenager talked of how it seemed easier when we weren't together. I prayed. I hurt because once again I felt as though I was the one who made their world worse. I felt like I was not wanted there, again. Reality is that their world was a mess. They refuse to remember how it truly was. Either way, their perception has once again left me in a place of rejection. I formed the answer carefully in my mind. I pleaded with God to speak wisdom and love through my mouth...not an easy task!
Dave was the man that I had longed to be married to all of my life. Godly, kind, gentle, loving, affectionate, smart, handsome, fun, I could on forever, but mostly, he loves the Lord. I knew what I wanted in a spouse- he was it. We were two people who had teenagers with difficulties and we couldn't raise them alone. I knew Dave's answer would be similar.
One thing we did agree on in hindsight is that there should've been some family counseling prior to the wedding- even if by appearances there was no need for any. The children were all seemingly on board and excited about our marriage. It wasn't until 6 months into it that certain members began having outward issues with the union. We openly admitted that it was a mistake on our part to not have the entire family go through counseling together. Admitting you've made a mistake to a teen who thinks they have the corner on knowledge is not an easy thing, but important. The opportunity to extend grace, forgiveness, and understanding gives the chance to grow deeper, stronger, and closer together.
Perhaps the most difficult thing is watching your teens think that they are the only ones who have hurt or have been affected. They don't understand the years that we went through not being loved, or even liked. The nights we cried ourselves to sleep because of the neglect, betrayal and constant rejection. The years we spent trying to fight for and save the marriage. They don't realize yet that we, as parents have feelings and a life to live too.
I've heard the argument "you're an adult. they're just kids." I understand the depths and damage to kids in this, I really do. Yet I know that if I didn't have the spouse that I have today, I would not be the mother that I am today, I would not be the woman I am today, I finally live in the place I was created to. Fully accepted for who I truly am, even loved and admired for it. I am better than I would be than if I had stayed a single mom. I am a better parent. My son has a wonderful, Christian, godly man to model after.
Allowing kids to idealize and hang on to the hope that mom and dad will get back together, or wallow in their grief, doesn't help anyone move forward. I've spoken with women in their 30's and 40's that still have issues with their parents dating and remarrying. No matter how many years would pass between the divorce and moving on, there would be issues.
Life has some painful things that it can throw your way. Everyone has their painful events. Truth is we are all grieving. It was like yesterday we sat in our driveway, tears streaming down our faces, I explained to my step-daughter that this is not what we had envisioned for either of our families. I went on to explain that ideally, the original families would still be together. But, here we are. Grieving is a process, but wallowing in it is a different story. Living in a false reality of what was is not healthy either. Truth must abound in all things, even if it is painful to recall. Those rocky moments make us better if we allow them.
Even though not ideal, they now have the fortunate benefit of seeing a healthy marriage. They can experience two people who love them, stability that comes from two parents who love God more than anything. They observe our healthy relating in full operation from day to day. Adjustments? Yes, many. But for everyone, not just one or two people.
Too often we digress to our selfish thinking that we were the only ones affected by all that has happened. Each one of us carries the luggage that comes with walking the road that we are on. Luggage is lighter when we cling to Almighty God, and offer to help each other carry the bags... together.
