Hindsight 20/20?

"Why did you guys get married so quick?"  Slight frustration clearly expressed on how difficult it had been this last year and comparing how much "easier" it was before we were all together under one roof. An open conversation at our kitchen table.  Not uncommon, nothing unusual about it for our house.  A lot of questions like this one have been presented and sifted through.

I shifted somewhat uncomfortably in my seat, as I had been asking myself the same question for the last 12 months.  I had been staring myself in the mirror asking, "Why on earth didn't we wait?!  We would've never had all of the heartache, the hurt feelings, the backstabbing, damage.  I had been through enough difficulty for a lifetime...why did I walk into a situation where there was a deadly storm already brewing?"  It wasn't like I hadn't been repeatedly warned.  The issues of difficult relating, and dealing with ex-spouses had thrown my blind trust in God's direction for us to marry into a tailspin. 


What I wanted to say was that this has been no picnic for me either.


They were such a mess when I came on the scene, we were all a mess.  Their relating was disastrous, and dysfunctional, at best.  I observed hurting, damaged people in scattered pieces due to divorce and years of painful functioning.  Anger, pain, and torment both in the children and in the man who would become my husband.


We, on the other hand were just walking away from a bomb blowing up our family.  There was little warning to the kids.  They did not see the years of neglect and abandonment in the marriage.  The countless texts and cell phone calls between their father and his "friends".  One day we were a complete family who attended church, dad worked a lot, but by all appearances, we were together.  The next day an explosion occurred that ripped apart the framework of their stability...their family.  Shell shocked and spinning still from the pain, my children stumbled around questioning everything from where they were going to live now, to their faith in the existence of a God who loved them.


I listened as this teenager talked of how it seemed easier when we weren't together.  I prayed.  I hurt because once again I felt as though I was the one who made their world worse.  I felt like I was not wanted there, again.  Reality is that their world was a mess.  They refuse to remember how it truly was.  Either way, their perception has once again left me in a place of rejection.  I formed the answer carefully in my mind. I pleaded with God to speak wisdom and love through my mouth...not an easy task!  


Dave was the man that I had longed to be married to all of my life.  Godly, kind, gentle, loving, affectionate, smart, handsome, fun, I could on forever, but mostly, he loves the Lord.  I knew what I wanted in a spouse- he was it.  We were two people who had teenagers with difficulties and we couldn't raise them alone.  I knew Dave's answer would be similar.


One thing we did agree on in hindsight is that there should've been some family counseling prior to the wedding- even if by appearances there was no need for any.  The children were all seemingly on board and excited about our marriage.  It wasn't until 6 months into it that certain members began having outward issues with the union.  We openly admitted that it was a mistake on our part to not have the entire family go through counseling together.  Admitting you've made a mistake to a teen who thinks they have the corner on knowledge is not an easy thing, but important.  The opportunity to extend grace, forgiveness, and understanding gives the chance to grow deeper, stronger, and closer together.


Perhaps the most difficult thing is watching your teens think that they are the only ones who have hurt or have been affected.  They don't understand the years that we went through not being loved, or even liked.  The nights we cried ourselves to sleep because of the neglect, betrayal and constant rejection.  The years we spent trying to fight for and save the marriage.  They don't realize yet that we, as parents have feelings and a life to live too. 


I've heard the argument "you're an adult. they're just kids."  I understand the depths and damage to kids in this, I really do.  Yet I know that if I didn't have the spouse that I have today, I would not be the mother that I am today, I would not be the woman I am today, I finally live in the place I was created to.  Fully accepted for who I truly am, even loved and admired for it.    I am better than I would be than if I had stayed a single mom.  I am a better parent.  My son has a wonderful, Christian, godly man to model after.  


Allowing kids to idealize and hang on to the hope that mom and dad will get back together, or wallow in their grief, doesn't help anyone move forward.  I've spoken with women in their 30's and 40's that still have issues with their parents dating and remarrying.  No matter how many years would pass between the divorce and moving on, there would be issues.


Life has some painful things that it can throw your way.  Everyone has their painful events.  Truth is we are all grieving.  It was like yesterday we sat in our driveway, tears streaming down our faces, I explained to my step-daughter that this is not what we had envisioned for either of our families.  I went on to explain that ideally, the original families would still be together.  But, here we are.  Grieving is a process, but wallowing in it is a different story.  Living in a false reality of what was is not healthy either. Truth must abound in all things, even if it is painful to recall.  Those rocky moments make us better if we allow them. 


Even though not ideal, they now have the fortunate benefit of seeing a healthy marriage. They can experience two people who love them, stability that comes from two parents who love God more than anything.  They observe our healthy relating in full operation from day to day.  Adjustments?  Yes, many.  But for everyone, not just one or two people.  


Too often we digress to our selfish thinking that we were the only ones affected by all that has happened.  Each one of us carries the luggage that comes with walking the road that we are on.  Luggage is lighter when we cling to Almighty God, and offer to help each other carry the bags... together.

Shampoo Sobs and Showers of Blessing

Tears mixed with hair conditioner fell in a steady stream and collected on the floor of the shower.  On my hands and knees, I found myself in the most desperate of places.  Drifting somewhere between anger and feeling abandoned, I cried out to God.  As I kneeled there I questioned how many other women have been in this very same position, sobbing uncontrollably, hoping the sound of the showerhead would muffle the resonance of utter despair.

Grieving seems like a natural part of stepfamily living.  It offers us a front row seat in the audience of brokenness.  Broken marriages, broken families, broken kids, broken homes, broke finances, and broken relating.  It plays out before us in Oscar award winning fashion as the stage consumes all of us as its players.  So I find myself repeatedly grieving all that is, all that we all have lost, and yes, sometimes it’s done under a steamy current of water and body wash.  Try as I might the warm water doesn’t wash away the issues or cleanse me from the sadness of broken relating, or broken issues.

I grieve white lace and promises, coming to the realization that living on love simply would never be enough in this land of Stepville.  I know it’s silly, it’s not like I had completely allowed myself to live under the illusion that would be the case.  Still, the romantic (and sinful) woman in me longs to believe that our love would be strong enough to weather any storm on it’s own (ultimately that is a statement that cries- that we wouldn’t need God’s help-youch).    I know that after what we have weathered in the last year, if it weren’t for God Himself, we would’ve thrown in the towel and walked away from it all.  I can say that now I fully understand the importance of having God at the center and as the foundation of your marriage.  Reality is, our love for God has to be the strength and provision to weather any storm.  His arms must be the arms that bind us together in the midst of the weather.

Still, I rebel against my need for Creator God.  Silly, I thought I had completely resolved the fact that I need Him in ALL THINGS.  As I honestly face myself in the steamy shower I come to realization that in this area I am resisting the fact that I need Him.  I am SUPER MOM/ SUPER STEP MOM…I leap car pools in a single bound, whip up dinner for 12 on 2 lbs of hamburger, and tend to the needs of all those around me, I am stellar at good ideas and organizing picking up and dropping off, parties, senior pictures and do magic on a limited budget!  For crying out loud!  Why can’t I fix people who don’t like me, don’t want me here, work against me?  How is it that I can’t make the blind to manipulation see?  Cause the lame in relating, to walk?  …Sounds like super girl has her cape in a bunch and it’s going to hang her if she doesn’t get down on her knees!  Sounds like someone got a little big for her britches and “Charlie” is calling His “Angel” to remember who is in charge!  There is NO master plan without THE MASTER!

I lean my head against the shower stall and I continue with the sobs, and beginning to feel sorry for myself, grieving the loss and lack of the bonds of blood and the bonds of love.  Blood thicker than water?  Oil and water separate no matter how hard you try to mix them together. Blended family?  Really? We use the word “blended”? I did find some peace in reading the other day that even though a biological bond and original familial intimacy will never be possible with my stepchildren; God can create a love bond and intimacy through Him.  Completely missing that God has been busy doing just that I sigh a heavy sigh wondering if it could really happen.  Learning and leaning the midst of all of that process is tricky and difficult.  I pray, “Dear God, please throw me a flipping bone!!...I wait…silence…I cry… silence…then it comes without warning, the memory of just two days earlier…

The taillights illuminated the freeway and the steady bass beat pulsated the Bose speakers, I cranked the volume a little higher until I felt my legs vibrating and grinned at my stepson.  “We may as well enjoy the Bose speakers while we have them.”  We drove onward toward home just he and I.  He had been my companion for the weekend.  We laughed, shared, and made memories. He even stood on his chair as I was introduced during a worship service that I was singing at, clapping and cheering- I sensed that he actually was proud to know me!

He reached over and turned the volume down.  “You’re a really great step mom, and I am really glad that you are in my life.”  My heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest, much like it felt when his dad asked me if he could see me exclusively.  He may never know how much I longed to hear that, how much I needed that, or what it meant to hear it on that night, and know that he meant it.  He may never know how I thought of what he said as I wept on the floor of the shower questioning if I had the strength to carry on. 

A God sized love bond created.

 I sigh and turn the water off, wiping my face, unsure if it’s water or tears.  I repent realizing my childish behavior and rebellion. And hear a gentle- “That’s enough now”

I come to the decision as I clean the drain of unruly hair that when I succumb to shower sobbing and hair condition crying I would limit myself to the point of prune-like skin, quit, take a deep breath and walk on, leaving the despair in the shower and devising a godly plan by the time I am dry. 

 It isn’t easy spotting the “bones” in Stepville.  I am by nature; I’m going to put this in a more flattering term, a melancholy realist (okay, I just tend to focus on the more negative side of things!).  But God does give us gifts along the way.  Most of the time I am so wrapped up in where I have been wronged that I miss the fact that God just isn’t necessarily working in that particular area!  He is ALWAYS working!  He only rests on the seventh day, right?  The day of completion?  He will not rest until we are restored!  In the meantime, we are called to seek out and look for the blessings no matter how small.  Whether it is a kind look, respectful attitude, a chore well done, or a teeny compliment.  These are the bones that He throws us so we can hear Him say “Hey- I’m still here…and I got this.” 

Philipians 1:6

I’m convinced that God, who began a good work in you, will carry it through to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. 

Strengthening the love and trust muscles...

“It’s a thankless job, Beck.  You give your heart out, and the biological mom gets all of the kudos.”  She popped another red raspberry in her mouth and took a sip of her wine.  My heart aligned in saddened agreement, and I shoved another piece of dark chocolate into my mouth like an Ibuprofen.

As our conversation continued, I came to the realization that no matter where you are in life, profession, stage, number of kids, experience, there is a struggle when you choose to enter into the land of Stepville.

“They had never learned how to study, I taught them.  I taught her how to ride her bike, tie her shoes, wash her hair…and she gives her biological mom all of the credit.”  Tears filling her eyes, I knew how she felt.  Recalling a sunny afternoon nearly throwing my back out trying to teach my stepdaughter how to complete a round off to encourage her tumbling skills for cheerleading.

It is like pouring water into a well that can never be filled completely, then having them thank someone who never lifted the bucket to fill it…or they spit the water back at you and chide you for ever trying to fill it in the first place.

My heart sunk in the reality of it.  You can love your stepchildren, give your heart out, put your heart out, but in the end the reality is that they will never deeply love you or want you there. Their longing will always be for their original family, and for you to be out of the picture.  It isn’t anything personal; you just aren’t the person they long for to be in that position.  So instead of being angry and rude to the ones that caused the situation. Avoiding putting the responsibility of the damage and pain on the catalyst or catalysts who placed them in the position of having a stepfamily, they throw it all on the newcomer. 

I felt as though I was receiving all of the anger, frustration, and fury of children scorned in the divorce.  I felt like the dog that was easy to kick.  From critiques on my cooking, disapproval on my housekeeping, and constantly being compared to their biological mom, to downright cruelty- I have lived it.  I have felt like a stranger and an outsider in my own home.  Living in fear of doing anything that may cause upset, or discomfort, I began to shrink into a shell of quiet protection…and I started to become angry myself, resentment and bitterness began to creep in.  I had unconsciously set in motion my own death.  Longing and living to make these children happy, caving into their desires, giving them the excuses of their pain and what they had been through to feed the behavior.  I proceeded to cautiously walk on eggshells, to the point of not wanting to sit down and play the piano and sing for fear that they would either make fun of me, be annoyed, or complain. 

The truth is, it wouldn’t matter if I were a Grammy winning singer/songwriter, a master chef, or could fly like peter pan, I would never measure up.  I am not their biological mom.

I have watched the most godly, Christ-centered women struggle through this mess in Stepville.  We didn’t birth these children, but as Christ centered women, we know that we are called to love them well, and nurture them.  They have come under our covering, living in our “nest”.  Deep in our hearts, we know that we cannot be biological mother, yet we long to mother and nurture them as if we were. 

I have lain awake sobbing many nights grieving the fact that, once again, I live in a house where someone doesn’t want me there.  This strikes an old wound, the wound of rejection.

Learning to accept that this is the way it will always be is the hard part.  Learning to accept the things we cannot change and change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference (Thank you St. Fran) is still something that my tendency toward perfectionism wrestles out daily.  Being made in the image of a perfect God we long for that perfection, only to have it elude us time and time again.  Perfection is only found in His character and sovereignty this side of heaven.  Everything…everything else is broken.

I find that deep in my heart I still have that longing to have a whole family, restored.  An original family, no ex-in-laws, no yours and mine...just us.  Reality is, we are a broken home.  We live under a roof of people who are broken both by their own choices and the choices of others. 

Sounds hopeless.  Again, it’s not.  Continually, we most hold to the truth that our God’s character and drive is about redemption, and restoration.  As we read through the scriptures, we see that every character has that same story.  Broken life, God steps in, quietly pursues, our acceptance of the pursuit, redemption, restoration, refining, restoration, calling, blessing, refinement, restoration…  He is constantly refining and restoring us.  Stepville is just another tool that He uses for refinement.

So…what to do when you live this day in and day out?  How do you survive?  I don’t have the answers…but we know The Answer.  As in any other situation, we turn to our God and cling.  We cry out to Him, whine to him (only 5 minutes allowed!), we wait… we listen.  Diving into His word, and His character we find how he is calling us to live in this moment. 

We live for Him, not for anyone else.  We live to please Him, and do things that are pleasing to Him.  Sometimes this looks like laying down your life, sometimes it is permeable wall where love can flow out, but daggers cannot come through.  He is the ultimate guide. He longs to walk with us through this.  He relishes the opportunity to navigate with us, and even carry us through the dark, murky, muddy spots.

We lean into our trust muscle, as we look to Him in all things, good and difficult.  We trust Him to keep us, heal us, grow us, and give us His peace in the process in a recurrent manner. We can trust Him even in this to work all things together for our good and His glory.

'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,

            and to take him at his word;

            just to rest upon his promise,

            and to know, "Thus saith the Lord."

Refrain:

            Jesus, Jesus, how I trust him!

            How I've proved him o'er and o'er!

            Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!

            O for grace to trust him more!

2.            O how sweet to trust in Jesus,

            just to trust his cleansing blood;

            and in simple faith to plunge me

            neath the healing, cleansing flood! 

3.            Yes, 'tis sweet to trust in Jesus,

            just from sin and self to cease;

            just from Jesus simply taking

            life and rest, and joy and peace.

4.            I'm so glad I learned to trust thee,

            precious Jesus, Savior, friend;

            and I know that thou art with me,

            wilt be with me to the end.

           

As we learn to trust Him in our circumstances, in our joys, our pains, as we become skilled at relying on that trust and leaning into God’s sovereignty over all, we find strength and a contentment we cant find anywhere else. 

In His strength, in His wisdom, Walking with Him through this land of Stepville, we find the ability to take it one day at a time.

Spring Renewal

Not sure if it is the rhythmical sound of my feet pounding the pavement as I run or the steady meter of inhaling and exhaling.  Life seems to regain its balance and cadence while on a run.  Some of my best conversations with my Lord take place with the wind in my face and my muscles tensed and pushed to the limit.  Some of my deepest moments have taken place when the winds of life have all but blown me over and my faith strained and pressed to the edge.

I love how simple God made it for us to notice Him.  He is in everything as we look around and take notice.  All of physical life mimics the spiritual.  I see the groaning as life is birthed from the earth fighting through the weeds and overgrowth of dead plants.  I sense the lament and struggle of my heart as it fights the flesh and longs to live out Christ likeness.  Pushing away the deadened sinful old self, and giving birth to the renewal and transformation of my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.

Renewing of the mind is not an easy process, especially if you have spent years cultivating poor thinking.  Praise God that there is freedom and life to be found in Him!  The unending process of retraining can be tiring should we try to do this in our own strength.  As I seek to retrain my thought patterns and cycles, I find myself more dependant on Him than I have ever been.  I am a mess left to myself.  This is a work that cannot be accomplished from mere human might.  True change can only manifest through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Step family living is a wonderful catalyst to bring about heart and thought change.  There is forever a challenge to work out your faith through relating and dealing with the pressures that it can present. 

At times, it seems that the call to forgiveness will be unending in this land of Stepville, wounds and strife can dominate your thought life.  There are constant interruptions that steal away from your family and marital time.  You are often disliked and gossiped about for setting up healthy boundaries.  There are threats, manipulations, and sometimes cruelties for setting up protective barriers.  Hours can be spent on simply corresponding with the other homes involved.

I came to a point where I cried out to Dave saying “ I can’t do this anymore!”  I would never leave or divorce him; I just knew that I couldn’t handle another year of what we had just been through.  I didn’t know if I needed to go away for the next few years or what.  I was desperate, exhausted, and fed up.  There were seemingly no solutions to the issues that we had been facing- multiple, complex issues stemming from both sides.  Exasperated, I turned to the only source of Truth, comfort and direction I have consistently had- my God.  I was exactly right when I said that I couldn’t do it anymore, I couldn’t!  At least not in the way that I was doing it! 

As a woman, I seem to want to take on everyone’s pain, everyone’s issues, and walk out their faith for them!  Truly, the relational pack horse!  Weighed down, carrying a load that I was not created to bear; my thoughts were becoming obsessive about how to fix the situations.  My heart was pained as I was constantly faced with the pain of our kids and the mourning of the original families, and I found myself mourning them too for their sake.  We are so grateful that God blessed us with each other.  It is just difficult, as I have to let go and not take their pain internally and sometimes rejection personally.

It all seems to circle back to finding my security and significance in my Lord alone.  If I stabilize and center my life on Him, I can freely walk and love others.  There is no dependence on their response.  It matters not if they love me in return.  I encourage them to love others God has brought into their lives (i.e.: step-siblings, step-parents) without heaping guilt on them or manipulating complete “alliance” to me.  I am free and not bound by jealously, bitterness or consumed by fear.  I have been made acceptable to God through the work of Jesus Christ.  I can rise above the pain and struggle of circumstance and walk boldly, joyfully, and lightly as I send them up in prayer- releasing them back into the arms of the Lord.

The enemy would love for us to focus and get swallowed up in the torment, and harassment, the difficult, and the painful.  This renders us too busy and our energy too depleted to live out our calling as believers and followers.    It is a daily choice to take every thought captive, and bring our thoughts to meditate on Him and what He calls us to in everything.  His Yoke is easy and His burden is light…He came so that we may have life and have it to the full…Let us focus on this as we grasp hold of this day and embrace this road we have been led to.   Running away from the past and pain and into full life and joy in Him, we race towards the finish.

Not Picture perfect... and that's ok.

A steaming cup of java in one hand and my faithful Mac before me, I click through the pictures on Facebook.  Notifications of new albums posted on the sites of my dear friends beckon me to click and browse.  I take in familiar faces, smiling, happy marriages, and happy and whole families.  Some could be the poster image for “Christian families”.  I continue clicking through the beautiful images. I see them going on mission trips together, mom and dad at the center and the children following their example of godliness.  Joy in their faces reflecting the joy in their homes.  My heart is warmed and I hold a sense of deep rejoicing when I think of what some of them have had to battle through, but stuck it out, together.

Forcing myself to take a break from the computer I plod downstairs to conquer the dust.  The cloth uncovers faces from a day in our lives that seem a lifetime ago.  Tiny innocent faces of sweet children, happy, actively a part of a whole family, much like the ones that I was just admiring.  They knew no brokenness.  No loss.  Their world was still whole in that moment in time… and so was ours- though we as adults knew it was broken.  My heart aches as I stare into their precious naïve eyes.  I ache for them then and what they didn’t know what was about to happen; I ache for them now and how they are forced to walk through the wreckage of the demise of their original families.  Did no one stop to really see them?  No one escapes without mortal wounds in a divorce.  Damage too deep to put words to.  Scars they will have to carry, and only God Himself can bring healing to. 

I always had this vision of what my family would be, whole, and God following.  A happy family who loved God and served Him in every chance that they could, reaching out to others.  A home filled with love, laughter, and hope. 

I shuffle through the circumstances that brought us to today.  We arrived here, in Stepville, a land of broken dreams and high hopes for renewed ones.  We walk through a slow mending of the torn and anticipating the creation and building of something new.  Some residents are willing to embrace the new dream, some still asleep to what is and not wanting to wake up. 

The aftermath of devastation forces you to take a position- either of allowing the pain to change you into something better, or you can sit in it, roll around in it- somewhat like playing in the mud continually looking back to what was.  We each had that choice of how to respond.

Looking back never moves you forward.    

I recently heard a wonderful illustration from the former king of Greece.  He had defected during a major conflict.  When the reporter asked him how it was that he could face people and not be embarrassed or completely humiliated, his response was something like this… “My mother once told me… if you stub your toe on a bedpost, it really smarts.  Why would you keep going back to the same bedpost and continue to hit the same toe on the same post?  It only causes additional and continual pain!”  Oh the times I have gone around and around playing in the mud of the wounds and poor decisions made in my life!  What a waste of energy, time, and talents! 

Stepville isn’t what any of us originally envisioned, or desired, but here we are.  God has promised to redeem and restore… He promises for those who mourn, He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair.  In their righteousness they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for His Own Glory. (Isaiah 61:3)

God, the one who specializes in renewing the worn out, the hopeless, is continually giving us the hope of restoring that hope for our family.  A family filled with people who love God and want to seek Him first.  A family that serves out of gratitude for what God has done for them…and it begins with us as parents leading the way. 

Our family photo is different than most.  Peppered with the reality that there were once family units that don’t exist anymore.  Yet a hope lives on that in this new entity we can love, learn, and serve each other… and together be a light in this dark world for our God, who brought us together.  Not perfect, not arrived, but honest, real, and striving to be more like Christ...and who knows...maybe someday we will get the white picket fence too.  Until then, we thank God for the small victories, and rest in the knowledge that He holds it all within His mighty hands.

Love...Agape style in Stepville

"Love- the Agape kind that desires another's highest good-doesn't whitewash sin or allow wrong behavior to continue without confrontation... A healthy relationship is one that is open. Things aren't buried, covered up, ignored, or denied, because when they are decay sets in-putrefaction." -Kay Arthur, Bible scholar.

Agape Love.  All-inclusive is God’s grand love of us.  Sacrificing for those who hated Him, loving them regardless of how they felt toward Him.  Giving His very life even unto death for the ignorant, the ungrateful, the ones who would continually betray Him and spit on Him and His ways…I am one of those.  I look back and see the hypocrisy that I have delivered in my life.  Posing the outer appearance of what I thought people wanted me to be, and ever falling short of what God called me to be.  I praise Him both for His goodness and His grace in how He loves me so unconditionally.

Agape love- Perfectly demonstrated, not perfectly or easily mimicked.  Stepville offers yet another opportunity to exercise the muscle of Agape love- or loving, as God loves.  Sometimes the pain from stretching that muscle just about knocks me out completely.  The stresses, the trials, the hurts, it all constantly brings me to my knees and forces me to continually ask my Lord- “how do I love like you in this situation?”  I know that I can never accomplish His love in my own strength.  There is just too much pain involved and my flesh rears it’s ugly head causing me to feel the desire to run away, not love and draw closer.

Agape Love.  My longing to have a whole family again places that innate desire to gain acceptance and love from the newer members of the family above boundaries and logic.  Acceptance, love and relationship can never be forced, coerced, or bought.  It is also increasingly difficult to have the difficulties of ex relations and maneuvering healthy boundaries with unhealthy people.

 I have both sides of the situation.  I am a stepmother, and my ex is remarried, so my children have a stepmother.  She is not my choice.  She is not a believer as far as I can see.  But she isn’t a bad person either.  My children have done O.K. with accepting her.  I try very hard to stay an encouraging force for them to adapt to what is.  If they are comfortable with calling her mom or referring to her as one of their parents, I want to support where they are.  I realize that my standing as their bio-mom never changes.  I do not fear them loving her “more” than myself.  Through many trials I have learned who I am in Christ and that my security and significance is solely derived from Him alone.  I imagine if God hadn’t already been dealing with that priority and truth in my life, I would deeply struggle with feelings of betrayal and insecurity- dependant on my children’s so-called “devotion”.

This enables them to not have to deal with loyalty issues on top of their already painful and difficult situations that they are processing through.  I pray that this helps the other home stay in peace. 

Encouraging our children to “play nice” with the “new kids” (new step-parent, or step-siblings) is crucial for THEM.  Do I like the fact that I am not their ONLY mom?  No.  It is difficult to accept that there is someone else pouring into his or her lives, and I have no say as to what she is adding.  Particularly if the new step’s life is not centered on Christ.  For me, there is no life apart from Him.  Not that she cannot impart some good things into their lives, she can and does.  It just isn’t what I always agree with.

Agape Love.  Loving someone more than you love your own comfort.  Wanting what is best for someone else over you.  Honestly, I hate the fact that there is another woman that I have to share my children with.  Holidays, Birthdays, weddings, birthdays, all shared with a relative that I didn’t pick, didn’t want, and frankly is irritating me.  But for the kids- so they can still have a shot at being healthy people we have to be as neutral as possible.  No guilt trips for relating well with that other person.  No guilt trips for time spent with the other parent or enjoying time with the new stepparent.  This helps them in their pain and encourages their healing.  Even though it is, at times very uncomfortable for me.

Loving even when the battle rages on.  In recent weeks, Dave and I have spent hours returning emails and maintaining communication with our exes.  This takes from our home and family time, and quite frankly is draining for all involved.  Hurtful comments, and arguments over money, along with manipulative tactics can overwhelm and take over the home.  It is difficult to relate with people who have hurt you so deeply.  I must admit that this is an area where I do not love well, even though I really do try.  I try on a daily basis to see where they are coming from and how this all affects them.  I did not choose them, and they did not choose me.  But here we are in a jumbled mess that no one is certain how to navigate.  Professional counselors, supportive friends, and fellow stepparents are crucial.  Relationship and constant conversation with God and your spouse is imperative

Love- true love is becoming as Christ did in Gethsemane.  Most often it plays out like a continual prayer of “Not my will, but your will Lord.”  It seems like a constant pleading for the Holy Spirit to remain alive in me so that I may win my family over without words.

To love as Christ, is an impossible task in my own strength.  My own wounds, my flesh, my ideas all get in the way but there’s an app for that! (Love my new Iphone!) Not by power, not by might, but by my Spirit says the Lord!  Through Him we can do ALL things!  We can love freely without fear.  Our God can enable us to love and hold out an example of love without allowing those who are unhealthy overstep boundaries. 

Love is choosing.  Choosing when to lay down our lives.  Choosing when it is abusive and when it is sacrifice.  Sometimes it may look dysfunctional to the outsider; when it is merely choosing to lay down one’s life for another.  I think of the scene in “The passion of the Christ” where Jesus is collapsed exhausted and bleeding after having been beaten while he is chained to the post.  He looks over toward Mary His mother, John, and Mary Magdalene.  You can see it in His eyes as He CHOOSES to allow the abuse and beating continue- out of the recognition that He has to go through with the Father’s will in order to save them…and us.  This is NOT powerless victimization, but rather a Holy strength and will to do the impossible for the helpless and hopeless.

We cannot pretend to be Christ, but His Holy Spirit does reside in those of us who have crowned Him as Lord.  We house the same Spirit that raised Him from the grave; we also have the same Spirit that gave Him the strength to choose His Father’s will and not His own- for OUR benefit.

What an example!  What courage!

In the days that I feel too weak to love well, I push deeper into my Lord.  He is always a constant refuge, a steady Savior who never quits calling me deeper, and He quiets my soul and pries away my flesh.  He shows me once again his mercy, His grace, and reminds me again of all that He has loved me through.  And He calls me to love this family through all of what we are walking through, in His strength.  Speaking His truth, in love.

Hope in the midst of parenting pain

My heart was filled with hope this morning as Dave and I prayed together for each other, our marriage, and our family.  I have to say that the one of the best things about being equally yoked, and equally in sync with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is the power and hope that comes as we join our hearts before the throne.

I am certain that our marriage would not be what it is today if it were not for the powerful hand of God in our lives.  I am so grateful for a husband who prays with me, for me, for our family, and the will of our Father over our lives.  Dave is a strong leader who desires to please God more than anything.  The Faith that we hold together has been a driving forward force in our walk together as man and wife toward living exclusively for our God, and declaring our home, God’s home.

No one could have prepared us for the difficulties or pain that the last year has held.  For two people who feel deeply, it could have been nearly crippling if it were not for the solid Truth of God’s promises and hope.  The adjustment, six hurting teenagers ranging from 14-19, ex-spouses (and all that they bring to the mix), a range of emotions that are best described as a hurricane at best.  So many factors to consider, and even as you consider them- nothing can fully prepare you for the continual blows of second marriage and Stepville living.

I liken it to watching your children falling off a cliff and being unable to really save them. You reach, you cry out, but there is no way humanly possible to grab them and rescue them from the fall.  I realize that rescuing them from the fall is not my job, but God’s alone.  I can offer truth, guidance, protection to some extent, but they are responsible for their choices and their response to pain.  The only one who truly rescues us from the fall is God Himself.  For it is in the “fall”, that we can be truly “found” if we allow God to use the pain as a tool to do His incredible work. 

For what the enemy means for destruction and devastation- God means to redeem & bring to life again, for His glory- if we will just allow Him. (Genesis 50:20)

God is Sovereign.  He has the final say.  He gets to write the final page in the story… and this story isn’t over yet.  He has just begun to chase after the hearts of our children.  It is our duty to pray for them, example godliness to them-even, and especially when it’s hard, and trust them in the hands of the Almighty. That is the truth that we cling to each day. 

There are days that we look around our home and see it as a hospital for a bunch of wounded, hurting people.  Each of us bearing wounds from the sinful choices of others.  Each of us bearing scars from our own sinful choices that we have made in our sinful response to the pain.  But we hold to the hope that God has a very specific plan and work for each of us- HE will complete the work that He has begun here.  Regardless of how despairing things look in the moment, the one thing we can depend on other than God is change.  What we see as struggles now, will be something different in a matter of a moment.  God is with us in that change.  He is weaving His story in our lives, if we are willing.  He is fashioning us into His likeness, He is creating intricate works of art that are called to shine for His Kingdom.  He is doing this for us, and our children.

Thankfully, my dear husband has encouraged me to stand back from the circumstance and see that we are in process.  The end isn’t here.  God hasn’t left our children.  He desires for them to be Completely His, even more than we do.  Trusting Him, relinquishing them all into His hands, realizing they were His to begin with anyway, bringing them before the throne each day, and knowing that God sees the end game.  Resting in the Sovereignty and all encompassing, all inclusiveness of our King.

Many nights I wake and pray for our six incredible kids.  My heart aches at all that they have had to go through.  It hurts for the ridiculous scars that they have to bear.  This morning our gracious King reminded me of a verse, and I want to share it with you.

Proverbs 23:18

Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off.

Reminds me of another verse that has sustained me in my own walk..

Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future.”

We can rest in the midst of our pain and struggles with parenting and combining families as we hold on to the truth that He has plans for a hope and a future for us all.

May God be Praised!

Free from Circumstance

Like a taking in a breath, fresh life filled my being this morning.  I heard verbalized, for the first time, what I had been wrestling with for quite a while now.  Tackling the difficulty of walking through life embracing the very breath in my lungs and the reality of being fully alive in Christ while keeping separate the traumatic circumstances of life. 

We all have a story of how difficult this life is.  All in this world is broken. Brokenness and sin cause pain.  Every one of us can sit and recount injustices, wrongs done to us, and sins we have committed.  To repent, grieve, and/or release so that we can be free to live, love and be used as instruments to further the truth of God’s grace and redemption is what we need to do. 

As Dave and I look back and reflect in the events that occurred over a number of years culminating in the end of our original families, it is incredibly difficult not to relive the pain of all that happened.  You hear a song, a movie, it can take you back in time to those aching gut wrenching moments.  The difficulty is realizing that those moments in themselves are not you, they don’t define you, those experiences don’t even define your life.  My joy does not depend on what other people are doing, or what is happening, or what has happened around me.  I can stand in the knowledge that my joy is dependant on the fact that God is Sovereign and loves me unconditionally. 

When I imagine not allowing the circumstances of life to infiltrate my being, life becomes a lot lighter.  His yoke is easy and His burden is light.  Embracing my life in Christ and seeing each circumstance as a test, an opportunity to learn, love and grow deeper into Christ and Who He is, causes me to pause in the circumstance and actually learn to embrace it.  The chance arises in our circumstances to cultivate a deeper faith, and refinement that draws us closer to who He created us to be. 

Walking the road of divorce and recovering from it is one that you can’t possibly understand fully until you have traveled it personally.  Dave and I have tangled with the bear of forgiveness.  At times, it seems that forgiveness will be continual in this process, as there are always issues arising.

Step family living is a road all its own.  Sometimes I look around my home and I see a hospital filled with hurting people - our children, the most wounded victims.  Relating is one of the most difficult aspects in forming a new family.  The circumstances that surround this struggle are unending.

I think somewhere I thought that we would be a separate entity from the previous families.  In reality, the ex’s become extended family.  No matter how hard you try, they don’t just disappear.  Their life, their choices, what happens in their home affects yours.  They just keep showing up like a pain in the rear-end relative that ruins the Thanksgiving dinner. 

Being the “relational pack mule”, I tend to want to fix all of the imperfections in the relationships in the home.  It is difficult to release the control of how others relate.  Rejection from a stepchild that you are only trying desperately to love is awful.  Only God can give understanding and eyes to be able to see what really they are truly wrestling with. Only God can enable and strengthen us to love unconditionally and freely in a painful situation where you receive nothing in return.

These issues birth, what seems to be, a relentless flood of difficult circumstances.  Not taking this into your person is vital.  Seeing it as just another situation to “ride out” frees you to love. 

It all goes back to finding life in Christ alone.  Clinging to the truth that our significance and security comes from and through our Lord Jesus Christ is crucial.

Our circumstances, like our shadows are ever changing and fleeting.  Who we are in Christ, the security of our salvation, this is sure.  His character is impeccable and unchanging.  He is faithful in all things, even while the storms of life are treacherous and unpredictable.

On Christ we can fully depend.  This is joy.  This is truth.  This is life.  This is strength.  This is freedom.

Please feel free to share your responses!

Take a moment…

1. What helps you to remember where your security and significance truly lie?
2. What best explains the process you use to keep separate the core of who you are and surrounding circumstances?
3. How can we best teach this to our children?
4. How does this apply this to our marriage and family?

Landing in Stepville... a brief history

Sweet chai tea dances over my tongue as I ponder the journey that brought me to this place.  
Each of us mourning the loss of our first marriages of 18 years, we agreed to swap stories, strictly as friends.  I had decided that there were no good godly men who were single left in the world.  Dave had decided that he couldn't bear the chance of having his heart placed in a blender again repeatedly.  It was safe.  Neither of us looking for any kind of relationship- no expectations, no strings, no games.  Just two Christ followers who needed to find their landing place after the big crash.  
Needless to say, God had bigger and better plans for us than to just remain friends.  It wasn't long before we realized that we spoke the same language when it came to a love and passion for our Lord Jesus.  Things that came naturally to us were the ways we both had dreamed marriage love and relationship would be like.  We longed to serve our God at all costs.  Both knowing & believing full well that there is no life apart from God- for He is the Center of all things and the only place where true life is found.  We matched in the most important place- In Christ centered life.
Time brought much needed healing from our previous wounds.  Everything was allowed to be brought to the table- nothing was left out.  We cried and mourned the loss of our families, our marriages, the rejection, the hurt, the pain for us and our children.  As we drew closer, God began to step in and orchestrate an incredible symphony.  
We couldn't have foreseen the incredible challenges that would come about with this second marriage, and trying to combine two families.  The attacks from an enemy that is fearful of a godly marriage and family staying together have been incredible.
Lessons are ongoing and constant, but...
We cling to this truth as we are continually walking through..


Trials and Temptations
 ² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Loving your enemies has taken on a whole new meaning, especially when it comes to dealing with the ex-spouses.
Forgiveness is continual and sometimes constant from continual blows.
Striving to be Christ like in all circumstances

⁹ The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; ²⁰ idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions ²¹ and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

 ²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. ²⁴ Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. ²⁵ Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. ²⁶ Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

THIS IS NOT EASY!!!
Never before has our faith been tested like it is now.  Every day presents a new opportunity to grow the fruits of the Spirit and walk as Christ and rely on Him to do so!  


This Blog is to offer support and encouragement to those who are struggling on this same road.  To support and hold each other up.  To help each other to be godly at all costs, while keeping healthy boundaries.  Our hearts desire is to offer support when needed, to strengthen and promote godly marriages and healing on this most difficult road.
Blessings!

For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!
2 Corinthians 4:17